Help, the monster is back!

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This was a nice weekend. We spent most of the weekend with my friend who lost her baby a couple of weeks ago. She is not feeling very well yet, physically speaking. Her milk came in last week (I had no idea that would happen at 14 weeks) and she is having a hard time with the meds she is taking to dry the milk.
But emotionally I think she is doing better and taking it surprisingly well. She opened up with me and I could see she was still in a lot of pain, and I know it will get worse before it gets better. But she is reacting and we went out for lunch, then dinner and a movie. She has a 2 year old and an 8 month old so that helps a little too I guess, having two kids to take care of.

I've been trying to ignore this pregnancy thing until we have our first ultrasound. I try no to talk about it with Zé Maria, I try not to obsess about symptoms or lack thereof and I try not to make plans in my mind. But it's hard.
I'm always tired, my breasts are horribly sore, I'm cold all the time. And now my face is breaking out. I had so much acne when I was pregnant with R I had to wear makeup every day (I never wear makeup). It was absolutely the worse part of my pregnancy, I felt like a monster and it kept getting worse. And now it's coming back! I hate it, but at the same time it gives me a sense of normalcy about this pregnancy that makes it harder not to hope. You see, I never had acne with the molar pregnancy.
So, my dear readers, if you have any suggestion to fight this acne, please let me know. I am willing to try anything (as long as it's not dangerous for the baby of course). Come on, help me out here!

Tough decisions

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You remember my BIL needs a kidney transplant right? All my 5 SILs, my husband and my other BIL took the compatibility tests and it was narrowed down to 3 of them, my DH and two SILs. These 3 are 100% compatible and any of them could be the donor.
They have been doing tons of exams to see if they are totally healthy in order to decide who is going to be the donor. Everything has come back ok. And now it's time to make a decision. The doctors will probably let us choose, since they are all healthy and all compatible.

One of my SILs who is compatible is a doctor. Which means she is more exposed to infections and viruses than normal people. She is also 25 and single and she wants to get married and have children. Having a scar all the way from her chest to her pubic bone is probably not ideal for future pregnancies. Or for finding a husband, according to my chauvinistic husband.

My other SIL is a nun. She is 23 and healthy, and she doesn't need to find a husband. She also doesn't have a family to look after. But she does have a high cholesterol, which we're not sure if it's gonna be a problem yet.

Then there's my husband. He does have a family to look after and he likes rough sports, which are more risky when you only have one kidney. Other than that he's the perfect candidate.

All of these pros and cons are being weighted by all of us. My MIL and FIL are torn because they will have two of their children on the line and they prefer not to give they opinion. I totally understand them. My BIL who is receiving the kidney is also not giving his opinion, for obvious reasons.

Personally, I would prefer if my husband wouldn't be the donor, for selfish reasons. This transplant will probably take place before this child is born or immediately after. The donor will have to be in recovery for a month, which means not working, not doing heavy tasks, etc. And I will need his help with R and the new baby.
And to be totally honest, I am absolutely terrified that something might happen to him. I am not even admitting that possibility to myself most of the time but the fact is I wouldn't know what to do if something happened to him.

He asked me just the other day if I was ok with him being the donor. And I said yes, of course.

Lent

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Some friends have been discussing about Lent so I have decided to write something about what it means to me.
I must start by saying I am a practicing Catholic and I try to live according to what the Church teaches. However, I fail often and I don't claim to represent the Catholic religion.

As for Lent, it is a time of preparation. Jesus spent 40 days and 40 nights on the desert preparing for His passion, death and resurrection. And so we spend 40 days and 40 nights preparing for the celebration of the most important time of year, the time when Jesus gave His life for us and conquered death.

It is not a time of suffering, it is a time of cleansing. It is not a sad time, but one of immense joy and anticipation for what is to come. Fasting, giving up things we like, making sacrifices and being more charitable are ways we use to try and prepare our bodies and our souls to better live this amazing time. We are showing the Lord, those around us, as especially ourselves that we are willing to share a little of what Christ went through, in order to fully enjoy and savour the joy of redemption.

During Lent I give up chocolate, because it is the one thing that is harder for me. I also try to cut down on my other bad habits and I try to find daily occasions to make sacrifices. But I don't do it to inflict suffering upon myself or others. I do it because it is in those moments that I remember what this season is about, and it is in this way that, slowly, during 40 days and 40 nights, I am preparing to properly live and celebrate Easter.

I was wrong when I complained about not eating chocolate yesterday. I shouldn't share what sacrifices I make, or how much I give for charity, because I am not looking for praise. We shouldn't do these things to impress others, and we shouldn't draw attention to our sacrifices. We should be happy while making them and not seek or expect any type of reward. My reward is that I get to live Easter a little better.

We are going on vacation!

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We have not given up on our plans to go to California in April. I know I haven't mentioned it in quite a while but we are still planning on going.
We are leaving on April 9th to San Francisco. We are planning on spending 3 days in SF and then doing a two-day drive down to LA, from where we will return home on the 17th. We are still considering going to Vegas.
We bought a guide to California and have been talking to friends who have been there (or live there, thank you Joe!) so we know what we absolutely can't miss. We are not going to plan everything in advance but we need to have a general idea.

6 more weeks until we go on vacation!! I can't wait!

Now, where does the pregnancy come in. Well, if I'm still pregnant by then I'll be 11 weeks along. I think it will be safe to fly but I will ask my doctor, of course. We may have to do a three-day drive between SF and LA instead and we may have to give up on the Vegas idea. But right now I am just not ready to give up on the trip entirely. I have promised not to plan my life around could-be's regarding pregnancy. I've done that before and it made things more painful.

I desperately need chocolate

aaa
To the person who found me like this

I'm sorry you're not feeling well and I hope it's a good sign!

And to the person who found me like this

I have no idea what you're looking for but you won't find it here. Go away.

Why didn't I say anything about the recent election?

Because I'm depressed about it. Enough said.

What R said when I asked her if she knew where my styling gel was:

The cat ate it! Funny little brat

How many days has it been since I last ate chocolate? And how many to go? Why?

15!!! 33!!!!!!!! Because I don't eat chocolate during Lent.

Isn't Lent only 40 days?

Yes, but after that comes Holly Week so it's 8 more days until Easter, which is when I can finally eat chocolate.

Remember when I said I'm not a patient person?

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You can't imagine how much it's killing me not to tell anyone about this pregnancy. I know why I can't tell anyone yet, and I won't until we have seen the heartbeat. But it is still hard as hell.

It's a selfish thing really. Saturday we went to a friend's house for dinner. She is 9 weeks pregnant and kept going on an on about how much weight she has already put on since this is her second pregnancy, how tired she is, how bad her boss reacted to the news, etc. And all I wanted to say was "Hey, look at me, I'm pregnant too". Why is it so hard for me to let her have her moment instead of wanting to steal the attention from her?
My boss' wife is pregnant too, and when I had just miscarried he came to me and told me not to schedule my vacations for the end of August because they were having a baby (he didn't know about the miscarriage). Now I am dying to tell him "Don't schedule your vacations for the end of October cause I'm having a baby too".

Why is it so hard for me to keep this a secret? Most people wait as long as they can before telling anyone. Most people wait until they start showing before they even consider telling their bosses. So why is it so damn hard for me?

Last night I was telling my sister in law who is a doctor that my friend is 9 weeks pregnant. She was wondering why she would tell people already when she isn't even 12 weeks along yet, that there is a significant risk of miscarriage until 12 weeks and she wouldn't recommend that her patients tell anyone before that. I told her I would wait until the heartbeat before announcing (hypothetically, of course, she does not know I'm pregnant).
My MIL was listening and goes: "But you must tell the family as soon as you find out so we can pray for you". And I almost told her right there! The only reason I didn't was because Zé Maria would've been upset that I broke our agreement. But now I read this and I am happy I didn't tell her. I think I will not leave the house anymore until we see a heartbeat!!

So far so good

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As of today this pregnancy has lasted longer than the previous one. For some reason both my husband and I are feeling much more optimistic this time. We haven't told anyone but we really feel that this is it. And I have far more symptoms this time.

I'm hungry. All. The. Time. Thankfully, I seem to get satisfied with a cracker and a glass of water.
I am also bloated. I have a small pouch in my belly and I'm really starting to worry about it.
When I was pregnant with R I didn't gain any weight until I was 18 weeks along, I didn't wear maternity clothes until about the same time and I gained a total of 30 lds, which I find acceptable. I'm afraid things won't go as smoothly in the weight gain department this time. So I have to start worrying about it right now.

We have decided to go in for an ultrasound on the 4th of March (at 6 weeks). Because of the molar pregnancy I had, it is important that we rule out a new mole or a regrowth as soon as possible. But we would also like to see a heartbeat on the first u/s and be able to relax a little. So we think 6 weeks in a good compromise between the two. I just hope we do get to see that heartbeat.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On Sunday, we met my friend (the one who lost the baby) at the church. Afterwards they wanted to go have something to eat and take the kids to the park so we went with them. She had left the hospital saturday night (she was there since thursday) and was looking really tired and pale. But I was really happy to see that she is reacting, focusing on her two sons and spending time with her friends.

Gender confusion

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Yesterday I had a meeting with R’s teacher to discuss her evolution. We spoke about her language skills, her gross and fine motor skills, her social behavior. You get the picture.

Apparently my daughter is shy. Can you believe that?! At home she doesn’t shut up for a minute but in school she is always quiet and looks to the floor when spoken to. The teacher says she can speak fine, as much as the other kids, even though she was born in December and is one of the youngest in her class. She speaks to herself when playing alone, and creates stories, and sings, and she can say what she wants. She just doesn’t initiate conversation with the other kids often. I still doubt she was talking about my kid though.

She was impressed that she has been completely potty trained since September, both during the day, nap time and at night. Some kids in her class still wear diapers at nap time and almost all of them still wear them at night.

She then commented that R doesn’t know her own gender yet. I came home and decided to see for myself.

Me: R, are you a girl?

R: No

Me: Are you a boy?

R: No

R I’m a baby.

Ok, so we may have a little work to do here. I’m not sure how to explain the difference though. I’m just not ready for the penis and vagina conversation. And the long hair vs short hair won’t work when both her parents have short hair. I’m sure she would go to school and tell the teacher she has two daddies. I guess she won’t know her gender for a while longer.

Time to pray

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I'm not a patient person. I hate to wait and I specially hate to make others wait. I am always on time and Zé Maria and I are always the first to arrive everywhere we go. We know this, but we still do it every time. My friends used to tell me they were late because of the kids, but then I had R and we are still always on time.
I am an instant gratification kind of girl. I want what I want and I want it right now. I hate to wait in line in the grocery store or in fast-food restaurants, I absolutely hate TV commercials and I never let the microwave bell go off. I always take the food out a few seconds before it goes off. It's ridiculous, I know, and it really makes my husband crazy.

However, I did wait until 14 days post ovulation to take a pregnancy test. I was terrified I would get a faint, almost invisible line like I did last month at 13 dpo (as if one day would really make a difference). Of course I did take another test last month at 15 dpo and it was faint again. But it was hard enough waiting this long so I couldn't possibly wait until 16 dpo.

So I took the test this morning. And got a second line. A nice, strong, dark second line. And it didn't even take 3 minutes to show up, it came up immediately. So that makes me a little more hopeful.

So now we pray. I ask the Lord to make this baby stick, to give me the honor of being the mother to one of his children once again. I also ask of Him the strength to accept His will, whatever it may be. I ask Him to give me the patience I don't have to wait until we see a heartbeat before I get excited.
But first of all, I pray for my friend, who is going through the worse pain I can imagine. I pray that she finds comfort in her husband and her children, and in Him.

Today is a sad day

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My good friend, the one who has a son R's age and another 6 month old baby, the one who is pregnant with number 3, just called me.
I knew they had an ultrasound this morning, at 14 weeks, and would try to find out the baby's gender. But what they found out was that the baby is dead.

I can not begin to tell you how I feel. She is the sweetest person ever and has been my best friend and my support through all I have been going through. We were pregnant together with our first and really helped each other out. We were pregnant together the second time and she was the best friend I could ask for when I lost that one. She imediately stopped talking about her pregnancy unless I would ask her about it and gave me all her support and attention. Then she got pregnant the third time and yet she still worried about me.

And now this. At 14 weeks. She will have to have a D&C. And I know what she is going through and I know what she will go through in the next weeks and the scar she will have for the rest of her life. I would do anything to take this pain from her. Today is really a day of mourning.

Let the party begin

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It was about time I started to obsess again don't you think? Ok, I admit I have been obsessing for a while now but I didn't want to write about it and make it worse.

Here is the situation.

1 - I am 12 dpo today and my temp went up instead of down. After charting for countless months and as I was reviewing my stats this morning I realized I only had a temperature rise at 12dpo when I was pregnant.
2 - I have been nauseous lately, though apparently there is nothing wrong with my digestive system.
3 - I'm hungry again. I had a cracker between breakfast and lunch this morning and yet I was hungry again before lunch time.
4 - I'm cold, but it is very cold here in Lisbon anyway so I can't say that I am abnormally cold. For those who only recently started reading this, being excessively cold seems to be my most reliable pregnancy symptom.

So there, I think I am entitled to be obsessing already, don't you? I have vowed not to test until at least Friday though, so we'll have to wait another 48 hours to know something. Unless my period shows up meanwhile. And then the praying begins.

Politics and Politicians

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What should I write about today? I do have other interests in life other than this whole getting pregnant thing. I know I do. Or I used to anyway. Just give me a moment, I'll think of something.

Oh, ok, politics. We're having an election on Sunday. The Portuguese people are going to elect their government for the next 4 years .Though for some reason portuguese governments tend not to last the entire 4 years, go figure. You see, we think we are a developed country, we even think we belong to the EU other than on a merely pro-forma way. But in reality, we are just a missplaced latin-american country.
Yesterday two of the biggest parties running in this election cancelled all campaing actions and another one cancelled the "festive" campaing actions because of the death of Irmã Lúcia.
She was woman, a nun, who had visions of Our Lady as a child, together with her two cousins, in Fátima, over 80 years ago. She was the most discrete person you can imagine, particularly taking into consideration her historical and religious weight in our society. She lived almost her entire life locked up in a convent, almost never showing her face. Mel Gibson visited her last year to give her a copy of his movie "The Passion of Christ", and however no one ever knew he was even here except a few select people (my uncle arranged this meeting and took a few pictures to document it). Her two cousins were declared saints by this Pope a few years ago and yet she always said she didn't consider herself to be saint.
So you see, she would not have wanted the campaing to be suspended because of her. She would have wanted people to go on with their lives, especially people who probably never even remembered her or thought of her for a moment. She would not have wanted this much attention.
I am a little shocked by these events, but not more so than with the whole campaing. I just wish all the parties would talk about the things that really matter and would stop discussing the fact the leader of one of the parties is gay and the other one has children with several women. It would make it a hell lot easier for me to decide who I'm voting for on Sunday.

Inferiority Complex

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This was not a good weekend. Friday night we got a message from a friend telling us she was pregnant again. She has a 1 year-old girl and apparently wasn't even trying for another one (of course not, if she were trying she wouldn't be pregnant would she?). What really pissed me off was that another friend told me she was kinda upset because she wanted to wait another 2 or 3 month.!

Then on Saturday we had a big party, 150 people, it was quite the event. I was actually looking forward to it. R was gonna spend the night at my parents and we were going to have a nice night out with our friends. But of course, for some reason every woman I knew in the damn party was pregnant. Ok, I'm exaggerating, there was one who wasn't pregnant because she just had a baby. I kid you not!

And to add insult to injury I spent the entire weekend with horrible nausea. I thought I had caught R's bug and would start vomiting and having diarrhea soon but thankfully it has been just the nausea so far.

So on Sunday morning I just lost it and laid in bed crying like a baby the whole morning. Zé Maria asked me why I always get so depressed when we go out with our friends when, in his opinion, it should cheer me up and make me feel better. My answer: because I feel inferior to them. I know it sounds bad, and ridiculous, but that is that. I feel inferior.

You see, most of my friends either stay at home (which is great, and I do respect that decision) or have jobs they don't care very much about. I have a job I love and, lets be honest, I make more money than most of their husbands do. But the problem is, we don't talk about work, we don't even acknowledge the advantages of having a career. We don't even talk about traveling, another one of my favorite things and something we do quite often.
No, all we ever talk about is pregnancy, birth, children, illnesses. And in that area... well, lets just say the fertility rate among my group of friends is above average. Most of them already have 1 children younger than R, some already have 2 and one is pregnant with #3 (yes, all of them younger than R, you read it right). So in this area I am ... behind, I guess. So to be brutally honest, I do feel better when I don't see my friends for awhile, at least for now. I know I have to fight this feeling. Zé Maria needs to go out with his friends, R needs to go to the park with other kids and I need to be able to enjoy the company of my friends. If only I would get pregnant already.

PS: R is much better now and she went to school this morning. She was so excited about it it was funny. She really hates being at home all day with the nanny.

Update from Sick as Hell Land

aava
R is still sick. Today is day 6 of diarrhea, vomiting and not eating. I am v. v. tired. No fever since Tuesday though, which is good.

We did finally take her to the doctor. I called her and described the situation over the phone and she told me to bring her in. She said we are doing the right thing and there is nothing else we can do but give her lots of water and wait.
Well thank you, I didn't need to pay you an obscene amount of money and spend hours in the waiting room to know that. And you could've told me that over the phone earlier a**hole.

I just hate doctors who make you wait for hours on end (which is about every doctor in this stupid city). If you schedule an appointment for 5 why do they make you wait until 8? Why do they schedule appointments for every 15 minutes if it takes them half an hour to see each patient? And why do people seem perfectly happy with that?
With my ob/gyn I always schedule for 6.30 pm (the last available hour) and then I start calling every hour to see if I can come in already. Usually it gives me enough time to go home, have dinner and be there at 10 pm just in time to wait another hour and finally get seen at 11. I swear if she wasn't my cousin and didn't see me for free I would've changed doctors years ago. But what would be the point anyway, they are all like that. It is the only thing I complain about from my pregnancy and the only one I am not looking forward to repeating.

But I digress. The ped did prescribe something to help restore her intestinal flora faster. Let me tell you that thing has the worse smell ever and I'm sure it tastes horrible. But my little girl is a saint and she takes any medicine I give her without as much as a sigh.

Last night I didn't have to change her bed, she did not vomit and she asked to go potty instead of doing it on the bed. She still has diarrhea but it certainly is an improvement. Hopefully she can go back to school on Monday.

One year ago today

One year ago today I went to have an ultrasound. I was 9 weeks pregnant and I had started bleeding the day before. It was bright red blood and I was scared. Many things went through my mind, things like ruptured placenta, sub-chorionic heamatoma. The thought of a miscarriage did cross my mind but I tried not to pay too much attention to it.
When the time came the doctor started moving the wond thingy around in absolute silence. This was the same doctor who did all our ultrasounds with R and who explained what he was seeing while pointing it out on the screen. This time he said nothing. Absolutely nothing for what seemed like an eternity. And then he spoke.

This is not a normal pregnancy. I see a sac but nothing else.

I will never forget these words. And how I felt so strange, so hollow. I didn't cry, I vaguely heard him telling us to call my ob/gyn immediately and I avoided eye contact with my husband. It was only when we got in the cab that I started crying. He held me and we cried together. We then called my ob from the cab and read the report to her. She knew something was not right and sent us to the hospital immediately.

When we got to the hospital they drew blood for a beta and asked me to come back the next day. All the while I kept telling myself we would try again soon. The thought of taking time to heal or mourn was horrifying to me. I wanted this to be over with so I could start again and have my baby.
The next day when the beta result was in they told me I had an hydatidiform mole and needed a D&C. They told me it could regrow and cause cancer and I would need chemotherapy. And they told me even if it didn't I would have to wait a year before trying again, during which I would have weekly betas to make sure it was gone.
I can't even describe how I felt.
I also can't describe what it was like waiting for the D&C in the labour and delivery room, having to spend the night in a room with seven women with her newborns, having the nurses ask me where my baby was, and having the BCP prescribed for the next 12 months. All I could think was when would it end, when would I be able to go home and see my daugther.

They say there are moments in your life that define who you become forever. This was one of them. I will never forget how I could take interest in nothing for the next few months, how everything seemed without taste, without colour. I will never forget the panic during those minutes when the nurse was looking for my beta results every week, on Fridays, over the phone. I will never forget when the beta went up and I had the second D&C, a re-make of my nightmare. The same L&D room, the same doctors, the same hospital and the same emptyness.

I did find some closure when we finally started trying again. I felt the nightmare was over and we were on our way to the baby we had been dreaming of. It is taking longer than I thought. There was more heartbreak in this new journey that I hadn't prepared for. I will probably get pregnant again and stay pregnant, and bring a baby home. But this part of my life will leave a very big scar in my heart, a scar I will always see when I look inside.

PPD

R is still sick. She is still running a fever and has occasional bouts of diarrhea. She also refuses to eat. She has not. Eaten. Anything. Yesterday. I had no idea how frustrating that could be. I honestly respect women who have children who don't eat.

This morning I was reading Tertia's post about possibly having PPD. Did that bring back memories. PPD is the most horrible thing.
For months I couldn't admit I had it and it was only when I was finally over it that I could look back and admit it. Because, come on, how can you possibly be sad (more like miserable) when you just had a baby? You've been dreaming about this for months, sometimes years, and yet you feel horrible, you just want to run away. You start feeling guilty and you try to ignore it. And it was just like Tertia says, the days were not so bad, it was the nights I was terrified of.
During the day, I always tried to have something to do that involved other people. I went to the gym (with R), I went out with a friend who had a baby 3 weeks younger than R, I would have people over for lunch. What I didn't want was to be alone with the baby. As long as I had company I would hold her and kiss her and truly feel how much I loved her. But when I was alone with her I just didn't feel right. I never ever wished her harm and I would always respond promptly to her needs. In fact, that was the problem. I felt I was no longer a person. I lived only to feed her, change her, burp her, bathe her, pump milk for her. I felt I had lost my personality.

I tried to convince myself I was only sleep deprived and I would otherwise be just fine. It is not true. I have been sleep deprived many times in my life, when R is sick or when I'm sick, and I have never felt like I did back then. It was much more than that. Now I realize it was probably a hormonal thing and I should have gotten help, professional help. But it's hard to admit you have a problem when everyone else ignores it. My Mom, my friends who had had children, my aunts, everyone would say how normal it is to be tired at first and how you will feel so much better in a couple of months. And I did. But now I know I could also have been happier during those first few months, I could've enjoyed that special time, had I gotten the help I needed.

It is not shameful to admit you need help when you just had a baby. Women must stop convincing themselves this is something they have to go through. I will enjoy my next baby from day one, even if I am sleep deprived. And if I have to take drugs in order to do it I will. And if I don't, please remind me of this post.

The Joys of Motherhood

I did not sleep last night. I think God is asking me if I'm sure I want to have another baby right now.

Disclaimer: if you have a sensitive stomach or just had breakfast do not read this next part. Trust me on this one.

So, as you've probably guessed by now R is sick. Last night at 4 am she started coughing and ended up vomiting all over the bed. Let me just tell you that milk and medicine make the worse vomit and leave a foul smell. Not something you wanna wake up to at 4 am.
So Zé Maria and I changed her clothes and put her in our bed while we changed her bed.
Then at 6 am she starts screaming that she wants to go to the potty. Well, apparently I didn't get there fast enough. That's right, you guessed it. Diahrea.
At least she had her NASA-astronaut-like pijamas that prevented it from getting on the sheets. So we change her clothes again and put het back to bed. By now it's too late for us to go back to sleep and a shower sounds like a really good idea.

I had forgotten how tired you get after being up with a child the whole night. Somehow the thought of having a newborn seems to have lost some of it's appeal this morning. I'm certain it's only temporary but I'm glad I ovulated already this cycle, or I would be getting second thoughts.

I called home just a minute ago and the nanny says R woke up at 10 am. She doesn't have a fever and has not vomited or gone to the potty yet. She is dancing in the kitchen. Of course she is. She slept until 10. Thank God tomorrow is a holiday.

Sometimes, I'm proud to be a Portie

The Porties are really an amazing people. After that piece on the news about infertility the couple who had their house for sale got thousands of phone calls offering help. 43,000 firemen from all around the country have decided to donate from 50 cents to 1 euro each, which will leave them with enough money for 4 or 5 IVFs at least. And one private infertility clinic offered the procedures for free, so they will only have to pay for the drugs.
How awesome is that?

One thing made me a bit unconfortable though. The woman was crying and the reported asks her. "Why are you crying? You don't need to cry anymore, the problem is all solved now". No, it isn't. She has the money for the IVFs now but that doesn't mean she will have a baby necessarily. And even if she does have a baby eventually, that will not make it all ok, it will not erase the pain she has been through. This is not something you forget. Ever.

How can I possibly be sad when I have this.

And then I get slapped across the face

Last night on the news there was this piece on infertility (thanks Johnny for the tip). The problem seems to be increasing in Portugal, as it is in all developed countries (they call Portugal a developed country, just to give an otherwise gruesome piece a little bit of humour).
They interviewed 3 infertile women, 2 still fighting and one who is currently pregnant with IVF twins.

This piece was focused mainly on the costs of infertility treatments in private clinics. Because there are public hospitals who do fertility treatments for free, if you are willing to wait at least 3 years. Assuming you have waited at least 1 or 2 years to realise you needed treatment in the first place, waiting another 3 is obviously not reasonable. So some of these women give everything they have (and don't have) to private clinics. One of them had her house for sale so she could afford her first IVF. And what if she needs a second one, or even a third one?

I can't begin to described how I felt after seeing this. As I was waiting for this piece to come on (after one and half hours of torture watching news about football, politics and pedophilia) I was expecting to feel sorry for myself, to think about all I have been through this past year. But I didn't. The pain I saw in these women's faces and heard in their shivering voices made me completely forget about my own struggle. All I could do was silently scream over and over again "God, if you have another child planned for me, please, please give it to her. Please".

Because I have a child you see. And not only that, I have a child who was concieved naturally, after 4 months of being off BCP, and who was born after an uneventfull and worryless pregnancy. I have been blessed, so immensely blessed.
Granted I have had some major setbacks since then, I lost two pregnancies and have been trying for #2 for over a year now. But I know I can get pregnant, and I get pregnant from sex, imagine that! I'm 25 and I have a beautiful daughter. I know I will have more children, there's no reason to believe I won't. But even if I don't, I will never ever know what it is like to spend years longing for a child, not knowing if you can even get pregnant, putting all your emotional and financial efforts in a battle that you may just lose in the end. I should be more grateful of what I was given.

We're leaving on a jet plane.

It seems our plans of going to California in April are moving along! We have book the flights. We are flighing from Lisbon to San Francisco on the 9th, via London (I'm sorry Michelle, it seems like we will not be stopping in NYC afterall) and then we are flighing back to Lisbon from L.A. on the 17th, via London again. We are going to book one night in each city and then we will leave the rest of the week open.
The couple who is/was coming with us is starting to have second thoughts about it. They have 3 kids under 4 and it's not easy leaving all of them with the grandparents for a whole week. Yes, there seem to be upsides to only having one child afterall. We are not to concerned that their not coming. In fact, I think I would like to go on this trip alone with hubby and it would certainly make it easier for me to meet some of my online friends I have been so looking forward to meet in real life. We would spend more on the car rental and fuel but if the dollar keeps going down (or the euro up, depending on the perspective) we should be ok.

I just wish all of my american friends could come to California too. A MGW III or IV (I lost count already, can you believe it?).

Can you tell I'm really excited about this trip. I love travelling, I love planning it, dreaming about it, counting down the days. I love getting to know new places and then I love coming back home. Last year we went to Cuba 2 weeks after my first miscarriage. Zé Maria planned and booked everything while I was having my D&C because they wouldn't let him in with me and there was a travell agency next to the hospital. Hopefully this time we will both be in better spirits during the trip. Maybe we will even be pregnant, who knows.