PPD

R is still sick. She is still running a fever and has occasional bouts of diarrhea. She also refuses to eat. She has not. Eaten. Anything. Yesterday. I had no idea how frustrating that could be. I honestly respect women who have children who don't eat.

This morning I was reading Tertia's post about possibly having PPD. Did that bring back memories. PPD is the most horrible thing.
For months I couldn't admit I had it and it was only when I was finally over it that I could look back and admit it. Because, come on, how can you possibly be sad (more like miserable) when you just had a baby? You've been dreaming about this for months, sometimes years, and yet you feel horrible, you just want to run away. You start feeling guilty and you try to ignore it. And it was just like Tertia says, the days were not so bad, it was the nights I was terrified of.
During the day, I always tried to have something to do that involved other people. I went to the gym (with R), I went out with a friend who had a baby 3 weeks younger than R, I would have people over for lunch. What I didn't want was to be alone with the baby. As long as I had company I would hold her and kiss her and truly feel how much I loved her. But when I was alone with her I just didn't feel right. I never ever wished her harm and I would always respond promptly to her needs. In fact, that was the problem. I felt I was no longer a person. I lived only to feed her, change her, burp her, bathe her, pump milk for her. I felt I had lost my personality.

I tried to convince myself I was only sleep deprived and I would otherwise be just fine. It is not true. I have been sleep deprived many times in my life, when R is sick or when I'm sick, and I have never felt like I did back then. It was much more than that. Now I realize it was probably a hormonal thing and I should have gotten help, professional help. But it's hard to admit you have a problem when everyone else ignores it. My Mom, my friends who had had children, my aunts, everyone would say how normal it is to be tired at first and how you will feel so much better in a couple of months. And I did. But now I know I could also have been happier during those first few months, I could've enjoyed that special time, had I gotten the help I needed.

It is not shameful to admit you need help when you just had a baby. Women must stop convincing themselves this is something they have to go through. I will enjoy my next baby from day one, even if I am sleep deprived. And if I have to take drugs in order to do it I will. And if I don't, please remind me of this post.