My baby is sick

R is sick. I wasn't taking it seriously, I thought it was just a cold, but my Mom made me take her to the ped. I hate it when my Mom is right and puts on that "I told you so" smile. She went on and on about how she has raised two kids and had been doing this for over 25 years, and I had asthma so she know exactly how it is blah, blah, blah

But I digress. As I was saying she is sick, she has a respiratory infection and is on antibiotics and aerosols for 10 days. She has never been sick before and in almost two years she never had any medicine. I was really reluctant to giving her the antibiotics - I mean that is why I made the HUGE sacrifice of breastfeeding her right?? - but I have to admit she will probably not get better without them.

I know this sounds like a chiché but it breaks your heart to see your child in pain. She cries when she coughs because her chest hurts and I cry because my heart hurts.
Thanks God tomorrow is a holiday here and I get to spend the day with her.

Christmas

This weekend was fully dedicated to Christmas. We put up pur Christmas tree, which took an appalling amount of time, considering my husband is an engineer. We had to start over 3 times before we could finally get it right, and since this isn't a new tree it says alot about our building skills.
But it was finally up and decorated by 3 pm.



Then we went shopping. I now only have one more gift to buy. Of course it's the most difficult one (my Mom) but still I am overall very happy that I am pretty much finished shopping in November! I love shopping but I hate, hate, hate crowds.

Today R is sick and I didn't take her to daycare. Going home to have lunch with her soon.

I will disconnect my phone now.

I am at the office, swamped in work and my twin sister (the lawyer) calls:

Her: Ana, can you calculate with Excel?

Me: Excuse me?

Her: Can you calculate with Excel?

Me: What do you mean, can you caculate? (getting irritated now)

Her: I mean the number I am trying to enter in my calculator is too long. Can I do it in Excel?

Me: Of course you can you dumb ass (ok so I didn't actually call her that but I should have).

Her: Ok, what do I do?

Me: Write the number in a cell...

Her: how?

Me: Can you see the numbers on your keyboard? That's how (by now I knew this would take time and I would be late to get R from daycare) Now push the plus or minus key.

Her: I want to multiply

Me: So multiply

Her: Were's the multiplying key?

Me: Next to the minus key. ...

Her: That's a "little star" (she literally said that)

Me: That's the one...

Ok, I will stop now because this took over 20 minutes...to do two simple operations. What can I say about this, the woman is a lawyer for crying out loud! I'm exausted.

Blame it on the hormones

Did I say I was gonna be ok today? What was I thinking? I was pretty okish yesterday so the big meltdown was bound to come today right?
I went home for lunch with hubby and just couldn't hold it together any longer. You know when someone asks you if you're ok and that's exactly when you start sobbing... that's me. I really needed it too because now I really do feel better.
You see, it has been almost a year now, a whole year since I got pregnant the last time. A whole year lost.
Ok so I know it is not lost but that is how I feel today. AF is here so I will blame it on the hormones.

I have a great hubby who knows exactly what to say and when to not say anything. He held me while I cried and waited until I had pulled myself together to point out how unfair I am being when I say nothing goes the way we planned. We have a great life actually, we're healthy, we have a great daugther, we have no financial problems, we have a huge house (not that the empty rooms make me feel any better, but anyway) and overall you are mighty lucky.

But I can not see that today, maybe tomorow.

The things that make you feel better

So I went out for lunch with my Mom (à Baixa pois claro). I bought clothes, which is the best therapy I have come across so far, I ate a ham and brie cheese sandwich and, of course , chestnuts. I am feeling much better now! I also made some of my Christmas shopping which is very good.

Now if only AF would show up so I could begin a new cycle.

Tonight my in-laws are coming over because it's my MIL's birthday. That may sound like a quite family dinner... not in my family. So I still have to go home and prepare to have 14 people over. Today is a good day (insert sarcastic smile).

Thus is life

We never really know how much we had our hopes up until disapointment actually hits us do we? Although I kept telling myself it was too early to test, I was pretty sure what the result of the test would be. I am glad I didn't take it, at least I didn't have to see that empty window. I am also always amazed at how easily I cry.

I will be ok tomorrow.

On another note, Rosarinho had her first real nightmare tonight. She woke up crying and screaming "It was Luke, Luke bit the baby". Luke is my parents' dog who she loves and is perfectly harmless so I'm not sure why she dreamt he bit her. Anyway, it was curious to see that she remembers and indentifies her dreams already.

No, not the chestnuts

By the way, I am still sick so I guess I can no longer blame it on the chestnuts. Which is good because I am really cravings chestnuts today.

There are times in your life you can really make a diference

My oldest brother in-law has kidney failure since he was 18. He has had one transplant but he ended up rejecting the kidney and is back on daily haemodialysis.
In Portugal very few organs are collected because transplant teams don’t get to accident victims on time. Basically the only organs collected are from healthy individuals who die at the hospital (not to many as you can imagine). So, we might be facing a very long wait before they find another kidney for him… maybe longer than we can afford to wait.
The alternative, of course, is a living-donor. Portuguese law only allows parents and siblings to donate organs, to prevent that people sell their organs to others.

My BIL has 8 siblings, which highly improves his chances of finding a match. So far he has always refused to even talk about the possibility of one of his brothers or sisters donating a kidney but the situation is getting desperate and 3 of my sisters in-law are now doctors so they are taking matters in the own hands. On Thursday my husband and his 5 sisters are going to draw blood and start the compatibility tests (my younger BIL is under-age and the other one has kidney stones so they are out).

I love my BIL, I wish I could do something for him and I am proud of my husband and his sisters for what they are doing. I am praying that they find a match and I know that it is the best solution and that the donor will have a perfectly normal life.
But I am having a hard time with the idea that it might be my husband. I am ashamed to admit it but I am secretly hoping one of my SILs is a match. Oh God I am such a horrible person for even thinking like this but I am absolutely terrified that something might happen to him. This would be a major surgery and he would forever have to be extra careful about infections, hard exercise, food poisonings, etc.

He would do it without a second thought about it and I love him for it.

And I will feel so guilty if they don’t find a match.

Isn't this the best time to be sick?

I am sick, I feel like there is a war going on in my stomach and I have gone to the bathroom to throw up more times than I can count (that's a nice thing to write about hun?). Of course I haven't actually thrown up yet which is why I am not feeling any better.
Now why, you ask, is this such a (insert sarcastic tone) good time to be sick? .... Because I am due to have my period in a couple of days!!!
I know I probably just ate something (I even know it was the dozens of chestnuts I ate last night) but I can't help thinking, in the back of my mind, what if this is a symptom?

Tenho saudades

My husband and I are going to spend the weekend on a spiritual retreat here.

Can you imagine a better place for a retreat?
Our daughter is going to stay with my parents, which means doing whatever she wants, eating all kinds of crap and going to bed at scandalous hours.
We really need this weekend away by ourselves but I’m feeling a bit guilty because this week I never got home from work before 8 pm and I only saw my R. an average of 2 hours a day. My dahling mother picked her up from daycare every day this week. No wonder she calls her Mom sometimes, poor kid.
I love my work and can’t imagine being a stay-at-home mom but I wish there were decent part-time jobs here. I’m missing so much of R’s childhood … and I miss her so much.

Family problems

Today I am sad because I am having family problems.

I have two families, you know. I have one family right here in Lisbon, who I adore and couldn't live without, and I have a second family that is al over the US and Canada.
My second family is a strange one. It only has women and small children, we meet daily in a very special place and most of us wouldn't recognize each others voice (thank God they don't know how bad my english really is).
My second family has been my rock through the rough times. They've supported me since I lost the baby in a way my first family didn't (with a few honorable exceptions). They sent me flowers and gifts from all across the ocean, they pray for me (I know they do) and they light candles for my baby (if not real candles, I know they light candles in their hearts) and they are anxious for the day I show them a picture of the positive HPT. They even check my chart and know where I am in my cycle... that's how much they love me. They really make a diference in my life.

Today my second family had a big fight. Things were said I never thought I would hear and some of the people I love were hurt. I don't really understand how it started or why it couldn't be stopped in time... I don't think it started today and I don't think it will die today.
I will have to part from my family for awhile. Even if "awhile" is just a few days. Sometimes you have to get away from the people you love in order to keep the friendship intact and that is what I have to do. I am secretly hoping nothing important happens in their lifes until I return so I won't miss the opportunity to congratulate them or hug them. They will be in my heart always.

Daddy

This weekend we had a birthday party. My BF's daugther, who also happens to be my god-daughter, turned one and they threw a big party at her house. My daughter had a great time and I got the chance to be with some friends I hadn't seen in awhile.
One of the people who were there was a good friend who has a toddler 3 weeks younger than my daughter. She also has a 4 month old baby. We were so happy when we got pg at the same time with our first and had a great time spending our maternity leave together. Then we were even more excited to be pg at the same time again... and then I lost the baby.
This friend is one of those persons who really understands and after the misscariage her pregnancy was never discussed between us unless I brought it up, she never complained about her nausea, about being pg and having a toddler, and she never complained about how much more difficult is is with two now (yes, somehow some of my friends are under the impression that these comments help me in some way).

Anyway... she was there with her two kids and while we were trying to entertain our toddlers my husband offered to hold the baby for her. He held the baby the entire time we were there, despite the frequent offers from my friend and her husband to take over.
My husband is a special person... maybe it's because he has 8 siblings, 6 of which younger than him, or maybe that is just the way God made him. He is a baby person, he dreams of having tones of kids and he is a far better parent than I am. My daughter loves him to pieces. He tries to be strong for me but losing the baby was as hard for him as it was for me and as I watched him holding the baby through the corner of my eye I had a hard time holding back the tears... I feel like I failed him...

My friend emailed me this morning saying she felt I was sad and stressed and asking me if I needed anything. I do, I need to tell my husband he is gonna be a daddy again.

Relaxing

We went to the horse fair today, trying to get my mind out of .... stuff.

Obsessing again

In the beginning of October we decided we wanted to start trying for another child. I went off birth control and somehow convinced myself I would get pregnant immediately. I mean, I have waited for so long for this, surely God will not make me wait any longer (as if this kind of loggic apllies to one's reproductive life).
One cycle has gone by already and I am now a few days past ovulation... I guess I should be thankful that I am ovulating so soon after going off BCP.

I really should be working. I work in an investment bank and the last months of the year are so busy, I have so many things to do. Instead I am here, obsessing about my cycle, my temperatures, every little insignificant sign that this might be the month. I really should be working.....

Third World

I live in a small country most of you have never even heard of. I love my country, I especially love my city and I can't imagine living anywhere else.
However, there are disadvantages to living in such a small country. One of them is the public hospitals.

When I was diagnosed with a molar pregnancy my ob sent me to the public maternity hospital because they have the best equipment and they also have the only doctor in Portugal who specializes in Molar Pregnancy. That was the beginning of my nightmare.

When I got there I told them I had had an ultrasound earlier that day that showed a "problem" and the doctor had recommended an urgent beta count. They drew my blood and told me they would only have it ready by the next day, for me to be there early in the morning and not to have breakfast.
The next day I got there (with an empty stomach) and they told me the results would only be back by 2 pm. At 2 pm the beta was in and it was over 100.000 and they decided I should have a D&C imediately. By 6 pm they finally found a bed available and I got to lie down and by 11 pm they finally put and IV on me and prepared for the D&C. By then I had not eaten anything in 36 hours!!

When I woke up from the procedure they told me I had to stay a few days and put me in a room with 7 (!!) women who gave birth and had newborns. I remember hiding under the sheets and crying for hours while I heard those babies crying and their moms talking, laughing, feeding the babies, changing their diapers....
Several nurses came in and asked me where my baby was, they wanted to know how breastfeeding was going, they wanted to give me gifts for my baby... When I answered for the millionth time that I had lost the baby one nurse asked me "You lost it? You don't know where they put it?"..... I can't help crying even now as I remember those days, the pain I was put through that could have been avoided.

I love my country, but sometimes it is almost like the Third World.

Molar Pregnancy

On February 11th 2004 I lost a baby to a condition called "molar pregnancy".

So, what is a molar pregnancy?

www.babycenter.com/refcap/pregnancy/pregcomplications/1363614.html

In short, a molar pregnancy happens when you have an abnormality in the fertilized egg at conception. The resulting embryo has 3 sets of chromossomes insted of 2 and it is not viable. The placenta then starts over-growing and it becomes invasive, this is called a mole.
Once the molar tissue is removed, weekly HCG measures are required to make sure everything was removed and the levels are dropping. In some cases, some molar tissue will remain in the uterus and begin to regrow, which can be detected by a rise in HCG levels. This condition is called Gestational Trophoblastic Neoplasia and it is treated with chemotherapy. This type of cancer has a 90% cure rate.

I had a regrowth about a month after my first D&C and had a second D&C on March 5th 2004. Thankfully, this second D&C seems to have removed all remaining tissue and my HCG levels were finally negative by March 22nd.

Finally, a blog!

So I have finally decided to start my own blog.
I intend to write mostly about my journey in pursuit of child #2, but I can't promise I won't write about many other things. I also can't promise this will be interesting to anyone but myself...but who cares right? Probably, no one will read it anyway.

Why do I do this in english? ... you ask (you, my endless number of readers). I do it in english only for practical reasons, because if someone ever comes to read this it will probably be one of my english-speaking friends.

So, this is officially my first post, yeah!!