Oh my, I'm famous!

What on earth happened this weekend? Since I last checked my statcounter on Friday I have had more "first time visitors" then ever since I installed said counter. I've had visitors from 9 different countries on all 5 continents. Why? Don't want to sound ungrateful or anything, I think it rocks actually. But why?
Could it be because of the link in Which Surprised Her.? Well, I had no idea J's blog was getting this much attention. It certainly deserves all of it, she is absolutely great, but wow. I'm amazed.

I must admit though that I'm feeling a little awkward about this. I feel I may not be writing only for my friends to read. There might be total strangers reading this. I mean come on people, I write bad, really bad. And english isn't even my mother language so I imagine it must come out even worst than I think. I'm flattered that you came here and you are welcome to come back (and comment since you're at it) but I don't expect my returning visitors count to match the first time visitors any time soon.

Praying

Last night as I was preparing to got to bed I decided to open my bible and read a few lines. I hadn't done that in such a long time and I vaguely remember it used to help me alot back in my African days. I do go to church on Sundays and we do pray together every night but I have been too lazy to actually open it up and read from it. It's not an easy book, certainly not an entertaining one. And lately I have been more into light and entertaining reading.
Anyway, as I was turning the pages I found an old card a friend of mine once gave me with a prayer. I always keep things like that inside my bible. I have read this prayer a thousand times but it never moved me as it did yesterday.

One night I had a dream. I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging
to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it:
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The Lord replied:

"My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

I think this last year certainly qualifies as one of my lowest and sadest times, and it really helps me to believe that I am being carried through it.


Disclaimer:
As you've probably figured out by now I'm a Catholic. I take my religion seriously and try to live according to it, but I know most times I fail miserably and therefore I abstain from judging other people. In other words, I am not a Chroll.

Empty

I wish I could write something really funny and witty. I have tried. I started writing this countless times but it never comes out the way I want it to. I'm feeling... how can I describe it? Empty I guess.
I'm empty.

My husband and I have made plans for our life, like every couple does. We are not career-driven people, we don't have expensive habits (except travelling), we don't have ambicious goals.
When we started making more money we didn't start going out for dinner more often, we didn't buy a fancy car, we didn't buy expensive clothes. We bought a 4 bed-room house and a van.
We will have to redefine our life, our goals, our dreams, if we cannot have more children. We have prepared ourselves to have a big family, we have built our lives around that concept and now I just don't know how we will ever be able to change everything.

Of course there is a big probability that it won't come to that. I'm 25 and healthy, as far as we know. I will probably be able to have more children and one day I will look back and wonder why I ever wrote this. But right now I can't help feeling like I will never make it.
It's been well over a year since we started trying for a second child and so far we are left with 2 miscarriages and many scars which I'm afraid will never heal. I feel like such a failure. Some of my friends who got married around the same time we did now have 2 and some even 3 children. And I feel less of a woman next to them.

Ultimate Irony or how God has a dark sense of humor

Yesterday we met with our friends for coffee after dinner to plan our vacation. We decided we are going to California in April. I am so looking forward to this trip. Travelling is really the only thing that completely takes my mind off things. And I will probably get to meet some of my dear friends for the first time.

This morning I went to tell my boss I was planning a trip in April and he says I can go on vacation whenever I want except in September because his wife is having a baby then. I was floored, I quickly mumbled congratulations and ran to the bathroom to avoid a public meltdown. I so wanted to tell him too bad, cause I'm having a baby in September too. But I'm not. I'm not.

Round 5

There was nothing there. Which is bad because there was no baby, but good because I couldn't survive a third D&C in one year.
The doctor said there's no need to wait before trying again, everything is looking good. I wouldn't bare to wait so this is also good.

So it's back to war for us. Round 5.

PS: I have come to the conclusion that I won't have another child before I turn 26. Not that it means anything.

Hope

It's a funny thing, hope.
You know, rationally and realistically, that something is not going to happen, yet you still have hope. Hope is a damn hard to die little bugger.

You see, Grrl went through something similar (well, not her, Sarah, but that's not my point). There was blood, and clots. But she ended up with two heartbeats nontheless. So, you see, there could still be hope for me.

I was suposed to go for an ultrasound today but the doctor will only be there tomorrow. So hope will only die tomorrow. And then I will tell myself how stupid I was to have hoped even after I knew it couldn't happen.

Mourning

I miscarried last night. There was blood, lots of bright red blood. And there were clots, and cramping. And tears. Mine and Zé Maria's.

And last night my Grandpa died in his sleep. He was 87.

Things you shoud NOT say

Tertia made a list of things you should not say to a person who has had a miscarriage. Now I want to ad something you should not say to someone who is about to miscarry.

Yesterday I was talking to my sister, who is the only person I have told about this pregnancy. I know I said I wouldn't tell anyone but she doesn't count, she's my twin sister, she's part of me. Anyway, I was telling her how scared I am about this spotting. She kept telling me if it doesn't work out this time it will work out the next time and I know you will eventually have a baby, you have one already you can have another, blah, blah, blah.

My sister is one step short of being a lawyer. She will have her final bar exam, an oral exam, in about a month. She is absolutely terrified of this exam and is losing sleep over it already. So I told her what she was telling me was about the same as if I would tell her I am sure she will pass the bar exam eventually, if not this time then the next one for sure. She knows this is probably true but that doesn't make her feel any better about the possibility of failing this one.

You see, I know I will (probably) have a baby one day. Having had one without medical intervention I know its possible and I know I am in a better position than those who never had one (believe me, I have had this argument one too many times). But that does not make me feel any better about losing this one. I want this one, this child.

You know what she told me? If I fail this test it will have real consequences in my life. I will have to wait 3 more months to take another one and if I fail that one I will have to repeat the entire process and will only be a lawyer in 2 years. Losing this baby will not have real consequences in your life. You will have another one sometime soon.

WTF??? I was speachless so I just hung up.

I love my sister (honey, if you're reading this, you know I do) really. But she says the most extraordinary things to me sometimes. She went off birth control last month so I'm sure she will understand what she said pretty soon. Probably not soon enough that she will remember to apologize but that's ok, I know she loves me too.

An update

I called Dr. Carlos, the molar pregnancy specialist, and told the nurse what was going on. She went to tell him and he picked up the phone. That's why I love him so much, he always takes the time to talk to his pacients personally. I hate speaking with the nurses, particularly this one, who is very sweet but is 60 years old and clearly knows nothing of obstetrics.

Anyway, he said as long as the spotting is brown and scarce and I'm not in pain, as far as he can tell it's normal and there is nothing we can do but wait. I am not far along enough in the pregnancy that anything would be visible in an ultrasound yet. If the spotting increases, turns bright red and/or I start cramping heavily then I should go in. He is there every weekday and I can just show up without an appointment and he'll do a quick ultrasound. I really love this man!

So the plan is basically the same. We wait and see and if nothing changes I go in on the 4th for an ultrasound. By then, if everything is ok, we will probably see a heartbeat. I am not very hopeful at this time and I hate not being able to do anything about it.

Oh God

There is blood. Brown and only a little but it's there. I'm numb right now, don't know what to say.

Because I must

People keep asking me why I would wait to tell everyone I'm pregnant. They ask because I have warned them not to ask me if I "have news" cause I will not tell them the "news" until I have at least seen the heartbeat.

Why do you want to wait? They ask. Will it hurt any less if you miscarry and no one knows? They ask. Will you not tell us you have miscarried anyway? They ask.

When I got pregnant the second time, after I had had an uneventful and sucessful pregnancy, I told everyone the day after I took the HPT, just like I had when I got pregnant the first time. With R, the doctor didn't even ask me for a blood test to confirm the pregnancy, I had my first ultrasound at 9 weeks and everything went smoothly. So why would I keep the good news from people this time?
Not only did I tell everyone, I also took my maternity clothes from the boxes, ironed them and put everything back in my closet. I even had the boxes with R's newborn clothes ready to be opened next.
Then I went shopping for maternity clothes with a friend, because I was due in September and had had R in December so I would need more summer clothes this time.
I even told my boss and started talking about maternity leave.

5 weeks later I miscarried. And I had to put all the clothes back in the boxes, some of them I never got to use. And I had to tell everyone I wasn't gonna have a baby afterall. I had to listen to never-ending stories about how so and so had gone through the same, how normal it is, how it's nature's way of correcting a mistake (this one is just lovely).
A few months later some people were still asking me when I was due and telling me how I wasn't showing at all. And to this day some people still ask me if I have one or two children.

I'm sorry if I'm hurting anyone's feeling but this time I'll wait, I have to, I just can't go through it again. Oh, and yes, it will hurt less if I miscarry and total strangers don't ask me how I'm feeling.

More good news

Yesterday I got a bonus. That's right, a €11,000 bonus. And we sold our old car. So that's €20,000 in one week. Don't you just love unexpected money?

We have already decided what we are gonna do with it too. We are re-doing the 2 small bathrooms. The big one was re-done shortly before we bought the house and I like it but the other 2 are just plain ugly. And one of them is in the kitchen, which makes no sense. So we are opening a door to that one in the corridor and closing the door to the kitchen, and we'll turn it into a social bathroom.

I love home-improvement and I can't wait to have this done. Zé Maria says it's a good thing we're doing it now, before the baby comes. Did you hear that? Before the baby comes.

It must be written in my forehead

Yesterday my boss came to me and said we are going to have a big project starting soon. It's a motorway company, which is my speciality, and a big (money and work wise) project. He asked me if I wanted to be on the team.

Why would he ask me that? Of course I wanna be on the team. He never asked me that before, he just assumed. I said sure (trying not to sound to excited).

The he goes "you will probably have to travel to Poland...".

What? He never told me in advance I would have to travel, and I have travelled several times with other projects. Why would that be a problem? Because I might be pregnant? Well he doesn't know that. Does he? Is it written in my forehead? Will I not be able to keep this from people?

Of course now I am feeling guilty I said yes. I 'm afraid I won't be able to take this project until the end. M&A transactions can take over a year and if I have a baby in September he will be left with all the work.
If I can finish the financial model before the baby comes, he would only be left with the negotiation part, which is easier and more fun. And I really don't want to refuse this project over something that may or may not happen.

I guess for now I will say yes and after the u/s I'll tell him I'm pregnant and discuss this with him.

PS: I had another faint positive this morning, although with a less sensitive test. I have decided not to take anymore tests and just wait for the u/s. HPTs drive me crazy.

Things I worry about

When I saw the two lines yesterday (have not tested again yet) the thought of a re-growing mole didn't even cross my mind. I thougt I would be terrified but I wasn't. I remembered that possibility a few minutes later, while discussing with my husband what to do next.
There is an almost zero probability of the first mole regrowing and a very small probablity (although higher) of having a second one. This is even reduced by the fact that I had an ultrasound a week and half ago and everything was fine.
I am surprisingly calm about this, at least for now, but we have decided not to tell anyone until we have an ultrasound, which will be on the 4th of February.

This morning I googled "pregnancy + x-ray". You know, because of the x-ray R had last Monday. I am actually much more relieved now, can you believe it? They say if a woman has an x-ray while pregnant, the actual risk of fetus death or malformation is very low, especially if the x-ray is directed at another body part (limbs, chest, etc).
And I didn't even have an x-ray. I was behind a copper wall, holding R's hands. So this shouldn't be a problem, right?

I am not particularly worried about these two things, the mole and the x-ray, but I am absolutely terrified of all the other things that can happen. I desperately want this to work.

A line is line right?

So I couldn't wait until Monday and tested this morning.

There was a second light, although a faint one. It took about 2 minutes to show up, and it got a little darker within 10 minutes. Dark enough that dh could see it even half asleep and with dim lighting (trying not to wake up R).

I will take another test tomorrow or Tuesday just to be sure but for now I will just say... a line is a line right?

Ok, so I failed miserably

My temp went up instead of down today. Does it mean anything? Well, for one it means that R slept in my bed which could've made my temp go up. No, I'm definitely not good at thinking about other stuff right now. Oh well...

About the comments, I have changed my settings and you no longer have to have a blogger account to comment. Anyone can do it now so lets see if that helps. Thanks Sweetisu.

TTC update

At the request of several families (read Michelle), here is an update on my TTC situation.
I am at 11 dpo, which means I am due to have my period between tomorrow and Sunday. My temperature is still high, I am still cold all the time and I have been starving lately. I usually never eat between breakfast and lunch but today I had to have half a ham sandwich at 11 am because I was about to faint with hunger. Then at 1 pm, when I got home for lunch, I was starving again. Of course, this could be nothing.
I will test on Monday if AF hasn't shown up and my temps are still high. I will try not to think about it during the weekend and will fail miserably.

Oh, one more thing, I installed a thing called statcounter in my blog. It's really nice, I can see how many people read my blog each day, how many are first time visitors, how many are returning visitors and which entries are popular.
I installed it a week ago today and have had 14 diferent visitors since then. However, only 4 people have left comments. I wonder why?

Cold

It's cold here in Lisbon. This morning when I left for work it was 6º C (44º F) which is really really cold for us.
But I have been particularly cold lately. Usually it doesn't bother me too much but lately it's really making me crazy, I can't stop shaking, even when I'm home standing dangerously close to the heater.

I remember being this cold before. It was about 3 years ago and I felt exactly like I do now, like I couldn't control myself. My MIL noticed it at the time and she asked me if I was pregnant, because she had always been particularly cold with all of her 9 pregnancies. I came to find out a few days after this conversation that I was indeed pregnant. I even commented with my online friends that this was the one symptom I had never had before.

So you can see were I am getting with all this. Sounds far-fetched? That is just how obessed I am. But I must say, in my own defense, that my husband noticed I have been particularly cold lately and he did remember me being cold when I was pregnant with R. So there.
Funny thing though, is that I don't remember being cold when I was pregnant the second time. So maybe this is a symptom that only comes with viable pregnancies? Ha!

ER

Yesterday we had our first trip to the ER. R has been running a high fever since Friday and has the most horrible cough. When I got home for lunch yesterday she could barely stand up so I decided to take her to the Children's Central Hospital.

Thankfully, my SIL is an intern there and she was coming off work when I called her so she said to meet her there and she would see her. If it wasn't for her we would have waited for hours on end in that hellish waiting room. I honestly have nightmares with this waiting room from when I was a child and use to spend days there (I have asthma). It seriously has not changed one bit.

So they checked her ears and throat just to be safe but we knew from the beginning it was respiratory. She had a chest x-ray and I was in the room with her. Nice, now I have something to totally obsess about in case I'm pregnant. Why oh why did I not remember to ask my SIL to go in with her? It didn't even cross my mind to leave my baby for a minute. At least I did stand behind a copper wall during the actual radiation.

Anyway, I digress. As I was saying, after the x-ray they had her do 3 aerossol treatments before they let her come home. In between the treatments they listened to her lungs until they decided what they were hearing was compatible with her coming home. I will have to do aerossol treatments on her every 6 hours for the next 5 days, give her cortisone drops every 8 hours for 3 days (not so sure I will do it for 3 whole days yet, I hate cortisone) and an antibiotic every 12 hours for 10 days. This kid had never been sick until last December and now this.

She was, of course, doing so much better this morning. No fever and she was back to her old self, doing aerossol treatments on her dolls. She is constantly begging me to take her to school but this time she will stay home for a week. Lets hope this is the last episode this winter. I am having horrible flashbacks to my critically asthmatic days.

Left

The appointment went well and I got clearance. My beta has been negative for 9 months and I had the D&C one year ago so I am officially cured.
We did a final ultrasound to check if everything is ok, as part of the protocol (that sounds important hun?) and he said I ovulated from the left ovary a few days ago. Go left ovary!!

Milestone

Coming out of my cave to say that tomorrow I have my very last appointment with the first trimester pathology specialist. This means it has been almost a year and the protocol is over. I am cured, I will not develop cancer (well, not this cancer anyway) and I can go on with my life.
The doctor will finally give us his permission to start trying to concieve again. Not that we needed it or even waited for it (obviously) but it's still nice.
More tomorrow.

Round 4

Things are moving again on the ttc front. I have ovulated sometime between Sunday and Tuesday and we have timed intercourse well (how sad is that?). So the 2 weeks wait begins.
This week I am feeling particularly sensitive with all the recent pregnancies, miscarriages and births in my circle of friends. So I'm anticipating that I'll be rather cave'ish for the next few days.

Memories

Yesterday I was going through my old pictures because we decided to make an album of old memories. I found pictures of when Zé Maria and I started dating, over 6 years ago (oh my god, 6 years!), pictures of all the places we travelled to together, pictures of our first house when it was still empty, pictures of our engagement party, of our honeymoon, of me pregnant (those I would rather not have kept).

And then I found this picture.



I can't believe it's been 4 years since I came back from Mozambique. I can still smell the air, I can still feel the warm humidity that takes over your entire body, I remember the red earth, the big round orange sun rising in the sea. In Portugal the sun sets in the sea and it's beautiful, but you can't watch the sun rise in the sea here. I can still hear the silence, the overwhelming silence I could never hear anywhere else, a silence that crushes you.
But most of all I can still hear them laugh, I can still hear them sing, I can still see them dance. And when they dance all their problems disapear, they are no longer hungry, they are no longer sick. For a few moments their eyes light up and they are not scared, they forget the horrors they have been through before they arrived at the orphanage.
And I miss them so much. I will never see them again, I will never know what happened to them, I will never be able to tell them how much I miss them but I will always remember them. Maybe, just maybe, I made a diference in their lives for those few weeks, maybe for a few weeks I helped them believe that someone does care. But they have changed my life forever.

The pilgrims

So as I said before we had 4 pilgrims staying with us for 4 days. It was a great experience and everything went pretty well.

First there was Marta and Tomasz, from Poland.

Tomasz is 29 and he is a massage therapist. He does not speak english, which as you can imagine was a bit of a problem. Marta is 25, she is a student and she speaks some english, enough for us to establish basic communication. They were nice but very quiet and they were always in a hurry so we didn't get to know them all that well. At some time during their stay they must have had a fight or something because they stoped talking to each other, which made it hard for us to communicate with Tomasz. But on Saturday before they left he gave us a bottle of wine so I guess he liked it here.

Then there was Aleksandar and Antonia from Macedonia

Alekso is 23 and Antonia is 24 and they are engaged to be married in February. They are really nice and Alekso speaks english surprisingly well. They were very curious about everything, they asked alot of questions about our life style, our culture, economic conditions, traditions, etc. They always had breakfast with us and we used to stay up late talking and sharing experiences. They were absolutely in love with R and she really liked them to.
It was funny to see how these two kids had a diferent perspective of life. They have no jobs, no house to move to yet, they live in a very poor country with constant wars and 40% unemployment rate. But they looked so happy, so confident in the future and they had so many plans. I was amazed by them. They have travelled throughout Europe by bus (it took them 3 and half days to get to Lisbon), joining organized pilgrimages so they can have cheaper/free acommodation and trying to learn as much as they can. They knew more about the European Union, about its institutions and laws, than we do. And they are not even in the EU!

I realise sometimes we take what we have for granted and we forget to be thankful for the great life we have. I hope I get a chance to share my house with these kids more often because we have learned alot from them.

2005

2004 was not a good year for me so I can say I was pretty relieved that it is over. I desperately want to believe that 2005 will be better.
2004 was bad until the very end. On the 31st, just when I was getting ready for the New Year's party, I got a text message from my friend who was throwing said party. Why would she text me just a few hours before I went to her house? Maybe she wants me to bring something?
A little background. This friend is the one who has a son 3 weeks younger than R and another son who is 6 months old. This is the friend who got married long before I did but it took her quite a while and lots of medical intervention to have her first child. This is the friend who was pregnant at the same time I was, both times. This is one of the people I love the dearest.
So she texted me to tell me she is pregnant again so I would not find out at the party.

I lost it. I just totally fucking lost it. I started shaking, I cried histerically, my husband had to take R out of the room. I cried because I'm jealous, I cried because she will have 3 kids younger than R, and then I cried because I was crying, because I was too selfish to be happy for my friend, because I am self centered, ungrateful and I deserve everything that is happening to me.

We did go to the party, even though my husband asked me several times if I was sure I wanted to go. And I was happy for her, I did congratulate her and I did offer to help with whatever she needs, because she will have a hard time with 3 kids under 3. I just couldn't help wishing I was in her place.

So hopefully 2005 will be a better year for us.