2005

2004 was not a good year for me so I can say I was pretty relieved that it is over. I desperately want to believe that 2005 will be better.
2004 was bad until the very end. On the 31st, just when I was getting ready for the New Year's party, I got a text message from my friend who was throwing said party. Why would she text me just a few hours before I went to her house? Maybe she wants me to bring something?
A little background. This friend is the one who has a son 3 weeks younger than R and another son who is 6 months old. This is the friend who got married long before I did but it took her quite a while and lots of medical intervention to have her first child. This is the friend who was pregnant at the same time I was, both times. This is one of the people I love the dearest.
So she texted me to tell me she is pregnant again so I would not find out at the party.

I lost it. I just totally fucking lost it. I started shaking, I cried histerically, my husband had to take R out of the room. I cried because I'm jealous, I cried because she will have 3 kids younger than R, and then I cried because I was crying, because I was too selfish to be happy for my friend, because I am self centered, ungrateful and I deserve everything that is happening to me.

We did go to the party, even though my husband asked me several times if I was sure I wanted to go. And I was happy for her, I did congratulate her and I did offer to help with whatever she needs, because she will have a hard time with 3 kids under 3. I just couldn't help wishing I was in her place.

So hopefully 2005 will be a better year for us.