Isn't my daughter the best?

aaa
I'm back at work and feeling much better. I guess I really needed the extra sleep I got these past two days. Pregnant women should be allowed to get to work a couple of hours later, if you ask me.

My sister had her ultrasound yesterday and everything is ok. She is 8 weeks 4 days along and they saw the yolk sack, embryo and heartbeat as expected. I am so happy for her and I'm so excited that we will get to have these babies together. This is her first child and I'm glad I will be able to spend lots of time with her during her maternity leave. She is very anxious and insecure and she will need all the help and reassurance and company she can get. And it will also be great for the kids, later on.

This morning I was fixing my hair and R was sitting next to me. When I finished she turns to me and says "Mommy is very beautiful!" Can you believe it? This girl really knows how to get me to do everything she wants, and she's only 2! Today she had chocolate for breakfast (I'm kidding, I'm not crazy you know?)

Appointment update

aaa
It seems I was being optimistic when I thought I would have my OB appoinment on time yesterday, after being cancelled at 9 pm last wednesday.
She had scheduled me at 12 pm and I called at 11.45 am to make sure everything was ok and I wouldn't have to wait for several hours in the waiting room. All I got was the answering machine, which means no one was at the office to even open the door had I decided to go there without calling (mind you, she schedules her first appointment at 11 am every day).
At 12.15 pm the nurse finally arrived and answered the phone. She told me the doctor wasn't there yet (obviously!) and there were a few ladies already in the waiting room (no shit!). She told me to call her back at 1 pm. Can you see were this is going?
I called at 1 pm and she told me to be there at 1.30 and I would be the first to be seen (good news). When I got there, at 2 pm, she told me the doctor wasn't there yet and would take another 20 minutes. By 2.50 pm the doctor finally arrived and I was indeed the first person to go in.
So all in all, I only waited in the waiting room for about an hour, which really isn't that bad. But I can see the next few months, and especially the third trimester, are going to be hard.

As for the appointment itself, it went well. She went through the results of the tons of tests she ordered, read the ultrasound report and declared everything was fine. She weighted me and I'm weighting exactly the same as I did when I got pregnant with R. I have gained 1 pound since I found out I was pregnant but she doesn't need to know that right?
She asked me if I wanted to try to listen to the heartbeat on the doppler but warned me we probably would not be able to since my belly is still pretty much inexistant. We did try and we did not succeed. So I'll have to wait until my ultrasound on the 19th to see my baby once again. Until then, we wait.

Oh, by the way, I'm sick and I did not go to work today. I have a fever and a cough. It may sound like a trivial cold but when you are an ashtmatic and are not allowed to take any of your regular meds it can get quite scary. So send me any left over positive vibes, will you?

Thanks God it's Monday!

aaa
I had a good weekend but I have to say I'm glad it's over. Can I say I'm TIRED?!!

On Thursday we went to church in the afternoon and met two couples friends there. And somehow ended up inviting them over for dinner. So at 8 pm, after spending the whole day shopping for maternity clothes with my dear sister, I was trying to find something to cook for 6 adults and 6 children. Then we tried to put all the kids to sleep, which obviously didn't work out as well as we'd like and the older ones were only asleep by 11 pm.
By 1 am, after everyone left, I was shaking and my whole body was hurting and I was running a fever. Apparently I just don't have the same resistance to shopping marathons and unexpected parties when I'm pregnant. I think I'm getting old.

Easter was good. We made the mistake of taking R to the ceremonies on Saturday night and of course, by midnight she was going nuts and everyone at church was giving me dirty looks. I ate more chocolate than I should have but somehow managed not to gain any weight. That should make my OB happy today. Yes, I will finally have my OB appointment today, after being canceled on Wednesday at 9 pm because there were still 6 people to go in before me. Ain't life beautiful!!

Sometimes my family sucks.

aaa
My daughter is sick again. Am I doing something wrong here? Ever since she went to pre-school in September she has been sick all the time. She goes to school for like 4 or 5 weeks and then she's sick again, with high fevers and a horrible cough. Why? When will this stop?

I'm an asthmatic and I was diagnosed when I was about 2 and 1/2, around the same age R is now. Which obviously makes my Mom absolutely sure that she is an asthmatic too. And she bugs me about it the whole time!! She makes me feel like I am neglecting my daughter for not taking her to a specialist and not filling her with meds, antibiotics, breathing treatments, the whole enchilada.
I'm not saying she's not an ashtmatic. Maybe she is. I'm aware of the risk and so is her ped and we are watching her closely. But there just isn't any evidence that she is just yet.
Yes, she does get sick often, but so do all the other kids at school. And so do my friends' children. And I have been able to control these infections without giving her antibiotics, which did NOT happen with me. And she only started getting sick once she went to school. Before that she had never even had any type of medicine. And she does not have apnea, even when her cough is bad. She can breathe fine, she just has regular colds.

I'm confident with the way I'm handling things and so is my husband and the pediatrician. I know I'm taking good care of her and I will take further measures if I think it becomes necessary. But it really bothers me that my Mom is always making me feel guilty. Now I have my sister calling me telling me Mom thinks R has ashtma and you should go check it. The other day my aunt called me to ask me to bring her something from NY and she starts telling me the same thing, that my Mom is worried and blah, blah, blah. And the same with my grandma, and my cousin. What is it with people? Do they all think I'm stupid and inconsequent and irresponsible?! Argh!

Taking my time

aaa
A friend of mine had her baby last week, at 30 weeks. She had been leaking amniotic fluid for a few weeks but the doctor still thought it was a good idea for her to stay home, with her 18 month old daughter. And so she ended up having the baby 10 weeks earlier.
The baby weighted 1.2 kgs and is in the NICU for at least one month, most likely two. He will survive but they are not sure if there will be after-effects.

When you see those two lines in a pregnancy test for the first time you immediately convince yourself you're going to have a baby. Then something happens or someone tells you things don't always go as you expect and you should at least wait until you see a heartbeat before getting too excited. That's when most people breathe deeper and start making plans.
Then sometimes you or someone you know will lose a baby even after they have seen a heartbeat and you think you will be able to breathe easier once you get past 12 weeks. Or once you reach viability (whatever that means). The truth is, you never do breathe easier once you realize things could go wrong.

I haven't unpacked my maternity clothes yet, though I thought I would be so excited to when we finally saw the heartbeat.
I also haven't bought anything for the new baby yet, though I want to be the first person to buy something for him/her and I know I should do it now before someone else does.
I haven't thought about where the baby will sleep, if the kids will share a room, how long my maternity leave will be.
And I haven't started to breathe completely yet. I know I will have to unpack the mat. clothes soon (very soon it seems) and that will be the first step towards making this pregnancy more real. Actually, the first step was telling my family and closer friends and that went pretty well. Maternity clothes will be next.

First appointment with the regular OB tomorrow.

Lisbon

aaa
Things have been pretty slow at work lately. I don't like it when that happens, it always makes me think that I could be home with R or doing something more interesting than just sitting at my desk waiting for one of my projects to start moving again.
It's especially hard when R is sick and doesn't go to daycare, which is the case today. She's home with the housekeeper and I'm here, doing nothing. I would much rather be swamped in work than this, honestly.

Anyway, I was surfing the Net and found these pictures of Lisbon. Since most of my readers (yes, I have millions of readers I tell you) are not portuguese I thought it would be nice to show you what my city looks like. And it is the most beautiful city in the world.

From this moment

aaa

All is well. We saw and heard the heartbeat. A very fast, very loud woosh, woosh, woosh.
It's such a beautiful sound, it almost brings tears to my eyes.

I heard this song on the radio the other day and it expresses exactly what is in my heart right now.

From this moment life has begun

From this moment you are the one

Right beside you is where I belong

From this moment on
From this moment I have been blessed

I live only for your happiness

And for your love I'd give my last breath

From this moment on
I give my hand to you with all my heart

Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start

You and I will never be apart

My dreams came true because of you
From this moment as long as I live

I will love you, I promise you this

There is nothing I wouldn't give

From this moment on
You're the reason I believe in love

And you're the answer to my prayers from up above

All we need is just the two of us

My dreams came true because of you
From this moment as long as I live

I will love you, I promise you this

From this moment

I will love you as long as I live

From this moment on

Oh God

aaa
Ultrasound in 2 hours. Why am I so nervous again? Please let there be a heartbeat.

Change of plans II

aaa
So our friends who are traveling with us called last night. Apparently they really, really, REALLY want to go to.... New York!
So the new plan, which I really hope is the final one because I like to plan ahead and it's only 3 weeks until we leave and we have already booked and canceled more hotels and flights than acceptable, is as follows:

- We leave from Lisbon to NYC on April 7th and we stay there until April 10th.
- We then fly from NYC to Miami on April 10th and then back to Lisbon on the 15th.

We have been to NYC three years ago and we loved it and we are looking forward to going back. We were really excited about Orlando though, as we were about San Francisco and about Los Angeles. So I guess we will be traveling to the States once a year for the next few years at least!

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Ultrasound tomorrow at lunch time. I'm not relaxed about this pregnancy yet and I'm hoping this scan will help.

Needles and Q-Tips

aaa
My sister does not want to tell anyone she's pregnant until she's had an ultrasound. She told my parents, she told us and her in-laws and she wants to keep it that way until after Easter (her u/s is on the 29th).
However, she thought it was wise to tell my daughter about it, for some reason. You can see why that was not clever of her, right?

I was having dinner with my friends the other day and they asked her "who has a baby in her belly?" to which she immediately answered "Mommy and Aunt Marta". Of course I told them she was making things up but no one really believed me. And she has done this at my in-laws too. So you see, it will not be easy to keep her quiet during the big Easter dinner at my uncle's.

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This morning I went to the lab to take all the tests the OB ordered. I had called to know if there was anything I should do before coming in and they told me to not eat anything and to not take a shower. Now, I'm pregnant you see, so not eating anything is not a very good idea. Also, not taking a shower? Come on! Why?

Anyway, I got there an she drew about 2 liters of blood. Ok not really, but still, it was a lot of blood. Then she asked me to get undressed from the waist down and lay on the table. She then proceeded to insert a giant q-tip you-know-where to collect mucus. 3 TIMES! Let me tell you it was no fun. I do not like strangers inserting things up my private parts. (This was the test that required me not have had a shower. Apparently, they were afraid I would wash myself all the way up to my cervix!).

Then she told me to go to bathroom, clean myself up real good with a baby wipe she gave me, waste the first few drops of urine and then collect the rest, up until 2/3 of the recipient were full. The problem is those first few drops I wasted was all there was. No way I could fill 2/3 of the cup! So I waited and waited and eventually got 1/4 of the cup filled and gave up. She told me it was enough, thank God.

I then went home and had breakfast and a shower and came to work late again, for the second time this week. My boss is starting to get pissed about this!

Tired

aaa
I'm tired! I am so tired it feels like life is being sucked out of me. I wake up and I'm already tired, and I feel like I could sleep another 10 hours. I'm not like that, really! I usually wake up before the alarm goes off and lay around for a few more minutes before getting up to have a shower. Now the alarm goes off and I feel like I just went to sleep 10 minutes ago and it takes me forever to gather the strength to get up. And even after I take a shower I'm still tired.

I guess it doesn't help that I have gone down from 5 cups of coffee a day to 1. Yes, I do have one cup of coffee a day, I am a horrible mother and I'm seriously endangering this child. Now leave me alone. Have I told you how tired I am?

I am sitting at my desk, looking at my computer and I can't see anything, my brain is frozen. How can I possibly work on these complicated financial models with thousands of worksheets? I can barely write an entry for my blog. It's. Not. Funny.

I had a meeting this morning at 9 am and I totally forgot about it. When I got here at 9.45 I turned on the computer and a reminder pops up. The first thing I read was "44 minutes overdue". Fuck!
My boss had gone to the meeting, alone of course. I'm glad I told him I'm pregnant already because he just smiled and said it was ok, surely thinking to himself "prego-brain!"

Did I say I'm tired? I'm so tired.

Monday update

aaa
The OB appointment went well. It was kinda anti-climatic, especially for my sister. She had been looking forward to it for days and in the end it was nothing much. She ordered a ton of blood work for the both of us and an ultrasound for my sister at around 8 weeks and she prescribed folic acid for the two of us and morning sickness meds for my sister. And that was it. She didn't even weight us (though I think she ment to but ended up forgetting).

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The weekend was great. We had a kids birthday party on Saturday (a friend's son). They live in a farm and have cows and horses and chicken. R was so excited with all the animals! We ended up staying over for dinner with 3 other couples after all the other kids and parents were gone.

All the moms that were at that dinner are stay at home moms and they were talking about all the things they do with their kids during the day, and how they do all these activities and spend lots of time with them.
I was telling them that I work until 6.30 pm every day and then I come home, give R her dinner and put her to bed at around 8.30. So I realise I only see my daughter for 2 hours a day during week days. And I can't help but feel guilty and wonder if I'm neglecting her. She loves school and she seems so happy, but I sometimes wonder if she is loosing something that can be really important.

Change of plans

aaa
The friends who are going on this trip with us came over for dinner last night. He was Zé Maria's best man at our wedding and she is a very good friend of mine. So they decided they have the necessary authority to prohibit us from going to California because of this pregnancy, even though we said we were sticking to planned.
The problem doesn't seem to be as much the flight (which is very long, I grant them that) but more the car drive between San Francisco and Los Angeles. They decided we need a much more relaxed vacation. But they still want to go to the States.

So their choice was... Florida.

It's a much shorter flight and there will be no car driving involved. We will (hopefully) be able to go to the beach and relax and we can still go shopping (that was essential both for me and for Maria). Now I will have to buy a guide of Florida and start deciding what we want to see, where we will stay, etc. So if you have any suggestions they are very welcome. We are leaving 4 weeks from today and I usually like to plan my vacations more in advance so I will definitely need your help!

As for California, I admit I had become quite attached to the idea so we are not giving it up entirely. We go on a trip every year and next year it will most definitely be California.

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Today I'm going with my sister to her first OB appointment.
Since we have the same OB I may ask her to weight me and request all the first trimester blood tests. So far I'm being followed by the molar pregnancy specialist and when I called my OB she told me there was no need to go there until the ultrasound next week. But since I'll be there anyway we might as well get some of the work done!
I'm also hoping she schedules a u/s for my sister for sometime soon. She hasn't had anymore spotting but she's still worried.

The appointment is probably going to be late (very late) in the evening so I'll update on Monday.
Have a great weekend everyone!

And suddenly her life changes.

aaa
I think R understands what's going on much better than I expected. A few days ago we told her Mommy had a baby in her belly but I seriously never thought she would understand. She thought it was funny, she said she had one too and then went back to playing with whatever she was playing before. And that was pretty much it.

Yesterday my housekeeper went to pick her up from school and the teacher asked her if R was going to have a sibling. Apparently R told her Mommy had a baby in her belly. And all of sudden she started talking about the baby as if it was a concrete reality to her. Honestly, I'm scared.

I'm scared because R herself is still a baby and I'm afraid she will feel like her place in this family is being taken away. I wasn't expecting to have to start getting her used to the idea until the Summer. She will be 6 months older by then which really makes a difference at this age. I was planning on letting her be the baby in the family for a lot longer. Now I'm thinking that maybe we shouldn't have mentioned it in front of her.

But it's hard, if not impossible. You see, she spends a lot of time with my parents. They live 5 minutes from us and they come to see her almost every day. And she sleeps over at their house about once a week when we go out. They are really important in her life. And now they are going to have 2 more grandchildren at the same time. It's inevitable that she will hear about it, about Mommy's baby and Aunt Marta's baby. But she still sees herself as the baby and I'm afraid of what all this sudden change will do to her.

I had hoped that my sister would get pregnant earlier and that she would get used to her baby cousin before she had a sibling. It would be like kind of a training. This cousin would divert some attention from her but not entirely. Now she will have a cousin and a sibling at the same time. My poor baby!

Patience ain't really my thing

aaa
We had a meeting yesterday with the couples group about the importance of Mass in our lives, individually and as a couple. It was a really nice meeting, it made us think why we go to church every Sunday and how important that is to us, how we don't even consider not going and how we really love to take R with us. Some of the other couples prefer to leave the children with someone while they go to church alone but it just doesn't make sense to us and R usually behaves really well in church. We'll see how that goes with two.

On the pregnancy front things are pretty much the same. I have no symptoms during the first trimester other than fatigue and sore breasts. I guess I'm lucky but sometimes I wish I had something more to show for it, you know what I mean? I look exactly the same (even the acne is gone!), I'm not sick or anything and sometimes I almost forget I'm pregnant. Ok, not really, but you get my point.

When I was waiting to start ttc and when I was ttc I always used to promise myself that once I did get pregnant I would enjoy every moment of it, I would never wish time to go by faster like I did with R, instead I would live it fully and savour every minute of it. I was wrong. I do want time to go by faster, at least until I see the heartbeat, or maybe until I start showing, or maybe until I start feeling the baby, but probably until it's born. Because that's just the way I am.

Sharing the news

aaa
I told my boss about the pregnancy yesterday. I work in Mergers and Acquisitions, so I work on a project basis and I don't have recurring tasks or anything. We have just gotten a series of new projects and were defining which projects each of us will work on and I just had to tell him. I didn't think it was fair to accept projects I know will take more than 7 months to close and which I couldn't possibly take until the end. And transferring on-going projects to another person is never an easy thing.

He took it surprisingly well. I'm not sure if it is because his wife is pregnant too, or because he has been expecting this. When I told him I was pregnant the last time (with the molar pregnancy) he took it very bad. He immediately asked if I didn't think it was time to change jobs and didn't even congratulate me. Maybe it was because R had just turned one and his own daughter was 6 months old. But regardless of his reasons it was very rude and I was really mad. He then sent me an email apologizing but still.

This time he said congratulations right away and told me there was no need to tell him so soon. He then picked up the project list and told me I should be able to keep all my projects except one because they will all probably close or be in a negotiation stage by then. Which is really good because I'm not ready to let go of some really interesting projects this early, at the risk of something going wrong with this pregnancy.

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Update on my sister: no more spotting since Saturday! She has her first OB appointment on Friday and I'm going with her. We have the same OB (our cousin) so we might start having our appointments together, if she (the OB) agrees.

Miracle times two

aaa
Have I told you I have a twin sister? I'm sure I did, in this post. Go ahead; read it, I'll wait.

Ok, so as you can see my sister is my best friend, my strongest support through the bad times, my buddy through the good times. Because we are twins, we have a relationship based not only in blood ties, in sibling love, but also in everyday complicity. We shared our mother’s womb for 9 months, we shared a crib for another 3, we shared a room for 12 years, we went to school together, we had the same friends. You can imagine the type of bond we have created.

People sometimes say twins can feel what the other is feeling, through a kind of telepathy or something. We never had that, not in that way. But we do in a different way. When we are looking at the same thing or sharing the same experience, we know what the other is thinking and feeling. We don't need to talk, we just look at each other and smile, and everything has been said. I know what will make her hurt, what will make her cry, what will make her nervous and what will make her happy. And we are fierce in defending each other.

And now, once again, we may get to share an experience we will never forget. She had two positive home pregnancy tests this weekend. On Saturday she spotted a little after intercourse (don't even ask me how I know this) and she's scared. And I'm scared. I know it's probably nothing; she didn't have any spotting since then. I want to go through this pregnancy with her; I want our children to be born in the same month and maybe create between them a relationship comparable to ours. That would be the greatest gift I could give this child.

Breathing again.

AAA
We got to hospital at 11.30 am. This is the same hospital were I had both my D&Cs, were I had the weekly and then monthly blood draws and were I went for follow-up appointments every month for over a year. I hate this hospital. Every time I go in there my heart feels heavy and I have this cold shiver down my spine. Today wasn't any different. I was terrified as we went in and I remembered, once again, the horrible hours I spent in that waiting room, the nightmare that seemed like it would never end.

We waited almost 2 hours in that same, dreaded, waiting room. These were the longest two hours of my life. My husband reads the newspaper as if he was in the park. I'm amazed at how calm he always is and how sure he seems to be that everything is going to be fine. Finally, at 1.15, the doctor calls us in.

He started by using the abdominal probe. While I was still trying to figure out the black and white mess on the screen he says "Yes, you are pregnant, and it is in the uterus. And there is no sign of the mole". That was the first time I breathed since we went in the room. He then said he would like to use the transvaginal probe to get a better look. Well, by all means, go ahead!

So we saw a yolk sac, and a tiny little white thing inside, which will become my baby. It was too soon to see a heartbeat. We are coming back in two weeks to see it.

I know I am not out of the woods yet, far from it. But I got to see my baby, and there wasn't a mole waiting to become a cancer and threatening me of never having children again. I saw my baby.

Having cold sweats

aaa
Ultrasound in 2 hours. If you pray, now is the time.
I'll update as soon as I'm back.

Mom and Dad's night out

aaa
My husband and I are part of a catholic group of couples who get together once a month. We discuss our everyday lives as a couple, as parents and educators, as members of our community, and try to articulate all these things with our lives as Catholics. The group is oriented by Sister Nadia, a german nun who is the funniest and most intelligent woman I know.

We started this group when we were all still dating. All the couples had been dating for over a year, some of us were long time friends, others were brought to the group by our priest. We all felt the need to prepare for marriage in a more serious way. In the beginning the group was oriented by a couple who were in their early thirties, had been married for 7 or 8 years and had 3 children. They shared their experience with us and helped us prepare for what was to come.
Some of the couples who started this group broke up along the way and ended up eventually marrying other people, other couples came into the group later. But eventually we all got married and the group evolved. We were no longer preparing for marriage, we were living it and still felt the need for guidance, support, advice and simply sharing experiences. We became friends, real friends. The couple who started orienting the group had 2 more children and moved on and Sister Nadia took over.

We have learned a lot with this group, almost all the couples had children (some have 3 already!) and we help each other to be better parents, better husbands and wives, and most of all, better Christians. Sometimes instead of a regular meeting we take that time to pray together, to pray for each other. We meet all the time outside of the meetings, we call each other, we get together for dinner or movies.

Every month we choose something that we must do until the next meeting, in order to reflect about and put into practice what we discussed. This month we decided every couple should take at least one evening out for themselves, go out for dinner without the kids and just talk about whatever we want to. We thought it would be easy but our next meeting is next Tuesday and we still haven't done it. So tonight we are leaving R with my parents and we are going out to dinner alone, just the two of us. I made reservations for a really fancy restaurant and I'm looking forward to it. It almost sounds pathetic that we need to be "forced" into going out together doesn't it?

Can you tell things are slow at work?

aaa
5w 5d. Can time go by any slower? ugh

Grandparents

aaa
So I ended up telling my Mom last night. She knows about the miscarriage last month and was asking me if I had had a period after that. I just couldn't help it and told her. But I also told her she could not tell anyone, including my Dad, until our ultrasound.
She was surprisingly calm about it. I was afraid she would get excessively excited which makes it harder for me to remain cautious about this. But she just smiled and said she hopes this is the one and will pray for it. That was just what I wanted her to say.

It brakes my heart to see how much my parents hurt by what happened. They really want to have more grandchildren and they want me to stop hurting. When I got pregnant with R and then with the molar pregnancy they were so excited and they started calling all their friends and buying stuff and making plans. They are truly the best grandparents ever. And I'm so sorry that they have lost it too, the ability to get excited with this news. I really hope everything looks good on Friday, not only for us but also for them, so they can get excited again.

Today is my FIL's birthday and we are going there for dinner. It's easier to keep this from them because they have such a busy life, with 9 kids, 7 of them still living at home, and one grandchild also living with them. They do get excited with having another grandchild, don't get me wrong, but it's not the same.