Choosing happiness

My best friend sent me an email yesterday telling me she is pregnant again. She has a 1 and ½ year old daughter (my god-daughter) and she will have this baby in January. I am thrilled for her, and thrilled that these babies will be so close in age, and thrilled that we get to spend part of our maternity leave together, and that we will have this extra bond between us.
But I must admit (and I hate to admit it) that this was not my first reaction. My first reaction, my first impulse, was anger, resentment. Why? Because she got pregnant exactly when she wanted to, both times, and her children will have the age difference I would’ve wanted my children to have, the age difference my children would’ve had if things hadn’t…. you know.

I expected to feel this way when I was still trying to get pregnant, and I even told myself it was fine. But I wasn’t expecting to feel it now that I’m pregnant and pretty convinced this baby will be born alive. And I’m quite sure it’s not fine. When a good friend told me she was pregnant for the third time back in January (when I was still trying) I allowed myself to cry and I didn’t call her right away. This time I called my friend immediately after I got her email and I forced myself to feel happy for her. And now I do, honestly. We’re going to her house for dinner tonight and I’m bringing a lovely gift for the baby and all my friendship and I’ll show her how happy I am for them.
I think I am on the way to finally bury this episode, this resentment, this bitterness. I’m not there yet, but I will be, hopefully soon.

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My sister started feeling the baby move this weekend. She is almost 20 weeks along (only one week behind me) and she was getting worried that I have been feeling the baby for a few weeks now and she hadn’t felt hers yet. I told her it was normal to feel it earlier the second time around and that I felt R move later than I did this time, but she was still worried. So now we know both babies are well. We have our big ultrasound on the same day, with the same doctor, in 2 weeks! I can’t wait.